Recently my brain just caught up with the fact that my daughter is now in 3rd grade. Middle school isn’t that far off. How did this happen? It feels like time has slipped away from me and every grandparent reading this sentence is laughing.
I’m not gonna lie, it definitely snuck up on me. And this surprise attack immediately caused concern that I was behind. All the things that I am supposed to be instilling as a dad felt distant and were just ideas that hadn’t quite formulated in my head. I was worried that I had already missed my window to ground her in the values I know I am supposed to teach her.
We can all get this feeling as parents but especially dads. When we’re trying to be an intentional dad, we are constantly asking ourselves...
“am I even doing this right”.
We struggle with our own confidence and weary of destroying theirs.
But my advice for any dad who wants to take their role seriously…
Do not let shame stop you from doing something.
Figure it out and act on it.
It’s important to remember that our kids were not always the age they are now.
They have been growing to this point.
So conversations and things that we should be teaching are growing up too.
Like the toad sitting in slowly boiling water, we can’t notice the subtle changes when we are in the thick of it. So perhaps it’s not that you are behind. It’s that you’ve discovered you’re onto the next stage. Our conversations and interactions with our kids mature just like them. And give yourself a break, you are maturing too.
But regardless of what stage we’re in, we can always be doing something. A Man of God tends to what God gives him. And He has entrusted a role to you for the sake of a child He loves. And this role, if you notice, is one that God bears the same title. Our role reflects a character of God that He desires to be called by. And just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you're off the hook. Dads need support and kids need Men of God. How we act in the raising of our kids means something.
It matters.
And for that sake we need to do something.
The list of things we should do is long and overwhelming. We won’t ever get it fully right. Regardless, we should still try to be intentional in our interactions. Even if you can’t apply these right away, here are five things you can start doing with your kids.
1. SHARE SOMETHING THAT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO DO
Open up and share something that you went through today that was difficult or challenged you. Give your kid a little more credit... they do love you. They want to know what’s going on with you and it’s fascinating to them. We don’t always have to make the conversation about them. Already they struggle with the idea that the world revolves around them, we don’t have to enforce it. Sharing about your struggles is important because it shows them that there will always be hard things we go through in life. But even more so, they see someone that they admire modeling how to handle those moments.
This is one of the biggest steps for kids; to understand we can do hard things in life. Kids wrestle with fears and obstacles (physical and mental), just like us. And their confidence in their ability to overcome things needs our attention. Kids don’t need Dad to be physically strong with no emotion. They need them to be unwavering in their hope. We have to show our kids that our hope in God is bigger than any obstacle life brings.
Being vulnerable with them brings the opportunity to remind them of the confidence we can have in God.
Be cautious in the way you talk and not to use this as a venting session. Be concise and purposeful in what you're saying. The Bible tells us to be thankful and to do things without grumbling or complaining. Share why you are thankful or maybe even glad that you’re working through something hard. Sharing that your faith and hope are still more powerful and bigger than what you’re currently going through demonstrates an active faith. Don’t be surprised if your kid starts to engage that conversation with what they are going through. Maybe they’ll start sharing because you opened up first.
2. COMMIT TO SOMETHING TOGETHER
Often when we ask our kids to do something, we are hoping to enact obedience. This works really well with tasks that our kids already know the perimeters of and are comfortable doing.
“Clean your room”
“Brush your teeth”
I didn’t say they’d do it...but they will understand what we’re asking.
But when it comes to fears or obstacles that are new to them, they are dealing with more than what we are asking of them.
Part of our role as dad is to be present with them. The power of committing to something with them gives our kids safety in their exploration of trying new things. While the obstacle brings multiple issues they have to deal with, our presence brings multiple assurances they can rely on. Partnering together instills trust and companionship. And it helps our kids know they can rely on us for help. Jesus offers us the same thing in our faith when He says His yoke is easy. He uses the visual of an oxen’s harness. It is attached to two oxen to plow the field. Yes, it will be tough, but we will do it together.
3. FIX IT IN FRONT OF THEM
Kids present this opportunity to us every time a toy has been over loved or batteries have been depleted. Besides the rare (or often) occurrences of an accident, often they run to us in hope that we can restore what no longer works. And of course, this always happens at the most inconvenient time, right?
Wrong. The first highlight for us is that they came to us for help. Do not overlook this. How our kids view us is part of the value and reflection of God we are called to instill. Every time we say “not right now” or place that toy on a shelf for later, it is counterculture to how God treats His children in His Kingdom. How often have we heard believing adults act like they don’t want to bother God with their problems?
It’s okay for us to be busy and at times unavailable. But when our kids come to us for help, we need to respond in a way that encourages that behavior to continue. If you can’t fix it then, tell them when you can and make sure they are there.
Watching Dad at work is life giving and helps them understand his character and identity. Use this opportunity to not only show the work that goes into the act of restoring, invite them join you in the work in small ways, even if it is holding something. If it’s an unfixable job, still take a moment to try. But don’t withhold the opportunity to help them deal with loss. Kids need to see their Dad value what they value and mourn what they mourn.
4. TELL YOUR KIDS WHAT YOU SAW AND SEE IN THEM
At the end of the day, as you're tucking your kid into bed, share with them something you observed about them that day. What did you notice that is worth your kid being affirmed in? Even as kids struggle with things throughout the day, there are still small moments of their potential that can be highlighted.
“I noticed you didn’t give up, even when you got frustrated”
“I saw how you shared with your brother, when no one asked you to.”
This is not the time to highlight achievements but moments they themselves could have overlooked. Our kids not only need to hear our affirmations but that we are paying attention. And I’m not talking about the “I’m watching you so don’t do anything bad” kinda way. We need to admire and encourage while recognizing the tough stuff too.
5. INVITE THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU
We should always be praying for our kids. We should also be praying with them. But don’t underestimate their ability to pray on their own. Ask if they would be willing to pray for you.
Be vulnerable with your kids. You don’t have to disclose everything. But show them you need a relationship with Jesus too. Share with them where you need help from God and ask them if they can help by praying. The goal is not to have them be responsible for the outcome but to teach them that we turn to God when we need help. By inviting your kids to pray for you, you are not only showing them your faith but helping them engage theirs. Kids need to see their Dad’s faith in action.
In today’s culture it is very noticeable of the lack of men living out their faith. God created equal but distinct roles that women and men play in the development of a child. Yes, interacting with Mom’s faith is vital. But so is Dad’s. Our kids need both and we, as men, can not substitute our own faith with a double portion of Mom’s.
So let’s be real, if you're a Dad, then you need prayer. People should be praying for you all the time; your church, other men who rally behind you, your wife. Our kids should be praying too.
Biblical Reflection
verses to share with your kids
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, // Philippians 2:14
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” // Matthew 11:28-30
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