If there is one thing I do well in my journey of being a dad, it would be my ability to doubt; to doubt that I have what it takes to be a great dad for my kids.
Deep down, I know I’m the right guy for the job but I keep finding myself focusing more on the doubt than on the God given gifts I possess to raise my kids. When it comes to “Dad-ing” (at least for myself) I tend to think of what people call “Critic’s Math”.
100 positive comments + 1 negative comment = 1 negative comment.
I realize “critic’s math” is geared more towards people being critical of something that was created like a movie or book, but if I was to change “comment” to “moment” then you can see why this pops into my brain when it comes to dads.
100 positive moments + 1 negative moment = 1 negative moment.
We dads can be extremely hard on ourselves. No matter how confident or put together we may appear, we can still have thoughts of doubt. We may look unaffected when we do something that affects our kids negatively, but (and I’m about to break dad code here) we immediately know that we did something wrong. We are free falling in an endless pit of self-doubt.
Critical Dad Math sets in and the hundreds of other moments where we were amazing dads get overshadowed. As I sit here on my couch, writing to you (and myself), I want to encourage you, Dad. Don’t sit in that moment. Math shouldn’t dictate how we raise our kids. We will screw up, do something wrong, let down our kids; but that doesn’t have to be what defines us as fathers.
I want to share something with you that changed my perspective on this. It’s a line we should repeat to ourselves when negative dad moments happen. It’s not about the rip, but the repair. It’s not about how we hurt our kids, but what we do to fix it. The actions we take to mend the “rip” with our kids, speak louder that the “rip” itself. If we need to get down on our knee and look our kid in the eye and tell them “I’m sorry for what I did” or I’m sorry for what I said”, that action can have a huge impact on our kids.
While we can strive not to emotionally hurt or let down our kids with failed promises, it will only go as far as striving. So the bigger moment that trumps the negative is an act of repentance because it shows our kids humbleness, kindness, and strength under control. It also teaches our kids, in an impactful way, what it is to forgive someone. Life is full of people who will hurt you, and if we dads can allow our kids to forgive us, they will better understand what the power of forgiveness can have for them and others.
In truth, forgiveness is what we need the most. Right now, the world offers our kids and us the threat of being canceled, but Jesus offers forgiveness; a path to reconciliation. When we lean on the forgiveness Jesus has already made possible for those failed dad moments, it launches us into a dad that God uses for strengthening our kids.
No dad is perfect at the role. Every dad fails to be the dad we were created to be and that’s the best part. We are all failing together. Which is another relief, at least for me. Us dads should lean into the fact that we’re not perfect but because of Jesus, our actions are repairable. All of us possess the ability to repair our mistakes with our kids, but it takes action on our part. We all have what it takes to repair the negative moments. When we pursue it, the result is only positive. Positive for our kids and us.
You’re not alone Dad; we’re all in this together! Small actions such as this strengthen the family, which in turn will strengthen a community. Go and be the repairman we should all be.
Dad, you got this!
3 Things You Should Know !
You Were Built for Fatherhood
All the traits and qualities your child needs in Dad are pre-wired into your natural ambitions and calling. Don’t give up.
Values are Caught
Kids are impacted more by what they see in us then what we say. You can rise to the occasion and live out the values your child needs.
You are Raising a Future Adult
Your child needs confidence and direction. You can prepare them to navigate and handle life.
2 Things You Can Do !
Do Anything Together
Be intentional with them. Find activities and projects were you collaborate and can set goals.
Fix it in Front of Them
When your child comes to you for help, be present and show them that Dad is always a safe person to turn to for help.
1 Who You can Always Count On !
God, our Father in Heaven, is our primary example of being a Father, who we can always turn to through Jesus Christ.
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7If you had known me, you would have known my Father also.d From now on you do know him and have seen him.”
8Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us.” 9Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. 11Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.
John 14:6-11
In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,nor be weary when reproved by him.6For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,and chastises every son whom he receives.”
7It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:4-11
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the modern orphan and widow preemptively.
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