Kickball Tournament 2024: Absolute Shellacking

Kickball Tournament 2024: Absolute Shellacking 20-8

What a night! We had it all on the line in the lead up to this game! Rian and Rick had repeatedly taunted the kids for weeks during announcements. The kids were on the cusp of a three peat. Could they pull it off? Would this be the year the adults finally redeemed themselves? 

It all started off so well as we hosted our first kickball tournament at Washington County Sports Complex! It was a bit hot out but that was all thanks to the incredible skills of our resident cooks Brenden and Mike. The two paired up beautifully to knock it out of the park with a delectable array of hamburgers and cheeseburgers sure to make Ronald McDonald jealous. A huge thanks to all who brought sides! It would have been only half a meal without you!

Alright, on to the action, since that’s what we came here for! After a fantastic meal we worked our way slowly but surely into the bottom of the first inning. Our MC called together the coaches and instructed them to coral their teams. 

After some short review it was discovered that this was going to be a single kid team night! But that was not a problem since Julie and Maggie partnered up to tackle the tall task of coaching the well-fueled and massively energetic kid’s team. After a brief debate the team was dubbed the BLAZING LIONS! It was a huge team that required all of Julie and Maggie’s skills to coach to victory because in the first inning, the adults came to play! And they should have, since they co-opted a couple of the teenage boys away from the kid’s team.

When asked about a team name adult coach, Shane Vertner, wasted no time in proudly announcing “Thundercats”. It brought tears to my eyes as I fondly looked back on my childhood of Rankin Bass cartoons. Ah the good old days…

Ahem, excuse me. Paul, our referee for the game pulled both teams together for a quick rundown about having a good time, good sportsmanship and not breaking the rules. After general nods of agreement, we were off. 

I never saw a coin toss, but I am guessing the adults must have won as they came out kicking first. And what a beauty of a start! In a strong lead off, David came on and kicked an absolute banger into the outfield, knocking it over the kid’s heads by about 10 feet. Granted, these kids are about 3 and half feet tall so maybe it’s not that amazing but still an incredible lead off. I am not sure what happened after that boot though. David looked like he was an unleashed sloth as he rounded first base, cornered second and barely achieved third by a whisker. No matter though because on base is on base! The next kicker brought him home and, just like that, it was 1-0 adults! The pain train didn’t stop there though. The “adults” put up an incredible 8-0 start before finally relinquishing offense to the kids. A statement bottom of the 1st that looked to set a tone that would break the adults streak of losing every single kickball tournament to date. How would the kids recover from this lead?

The suspense was palpable in the crowd. However, before we go further, I want to take a moment to point to our title sponsor Gain! The laundry detergent of the century! Discover a brave new world of fragrance with Gain Original! Beware: After washing your clothes with this marvelously cool and crisp liquid laundry detergent, you may be the subject of random sniffings. (The sniffer may be you!)

However, we are currently looking for next year’s ad sponsor as the economic situation means that Gain will not be able to support us next year!

Back to the game! The kids took the plate, and it was time to find out if they were up to the task. As coach Maggie said, “Sometimes you just have to eat the watermelon rind.” I have no idea what that means but I imagine it is code for something cool like doing hard things. And it certainly was a hard thing to make this comeback happen for the kids. However, a solid group effort from kids like Noelle, Kaylee, Josiah, Paxton, Niva, Bodie, Sam, Lincoln, Emily and Madelyn, Nicholas to name a few, resulted in a comeback narrowly putting the kids ahead 10 to 8. Nice comeback. 

Admittedly, the adults were wrong footed from the start with 7th grade plus kids coach defector Rian missing multiple line drives. He made nearly every kid look like Lionel Messi as he was nutmegged over and over. Honestly, it was borderline criminal. He was quoted at one point stating that “…the umpire was paid in fruit snacks and lemonade...” No doubt that Rian had definitely eaten some sour grapes with comments like that.

After a 10-score run the adults finally pulled together enough defense thanks to a one man wrecking machine named Micah who tagged out the needed three to get them back to the plate and we headed to the bottom of the second. 

I would love to tell you that the second inning was an absolute work of art from the adults. That they went out and scored another 8 runs. That the big boot of guys like David, Brian, Rian and Tyler saved the day. There were definitely some amazing kicks from guys like Shane and Rick. However, there was a lot of back spin balls that ran foul. The kids really owned their defense this inning even as the adult found ways to not score. Watching it, one would almost think the adults were trying to throw the game… But that’s not possible, is it?

Top of the second saw the kids really started to separate themselves. The adult defense started to come together with Rick marshalling the infielders for some good outs and Shane sealing the deal with a throwout that was reminiscent of the movie Dodgeball. You would have thought these kids could’ve avoided the throwout. I mean, if you can dodge a wrench…am I right? In spite of this electrifying defensive performance the kids still put 4 more on the board making it 14-8. Could the adults come back?

Here we were bottom of the 3rd and it was getting late in the matchup. It was now or never for the adults. Boy did they look tired. I even heard David stating that he “should’ve trained harder in the offseason”. I didn’t even know kickball had an offseason. You learn something new every year. This year was no exception as the adults put on a real show trying their hardest to get back in this thing. However, some savvy calls (and a lucky hand or two later) from Coach Maggie and it was all but over for the adults. Three outs, no runs. Still 14-8.

The kids showed no signs of slowing down and it is possible that the lemonade was spiked with Rockstar Energy because the kids came out and promptly put up 6 more runs. What a display! The 2nd inning defense from the adults collapsed. This appeared to invoke some sort of mercy rule and faster than you can say Kansas City Chiefs, the kids had their three peat! Champions three years in a row! Who would have guessed that they would now be in such elite company as the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Yankees, Chicago Bulls and Montreal Canadiens. 

Paxton told me that the best play was when he booted the ball in the air and three people missed it! 

The adults could only shake their heads, and Rick could be heard saying “It feels great! We’re gonna dominate them in the second game!” (there wasn’t one).

In the postgame interview I asked coach Julie to give me her thoughts on the 20-8 scoreline. She simply smiled and shook her head while chuckling. 

Referee Paul remarked that “…good times were had by all…overall a fun time. 3rd annual game and looking forward to many more”.

However, Tyler reminded us that “It’s not about the score, it’s about the fun”…and it certainly was.

We look forward to seeing you next year and a huge thank you again to all who made this year possible! You are the real MVPs!